"THE DAY I ENTERED THE BLESSER LIFE… AND MET MY UNCLE NAKED!"

It all began on a random dusty Saturday in Kasarani. I was sitting outside my one-window bedsitter, drinking warm Fanta and scrolling through Instagram like someone with a purpose. My friends were living large — hotel breakfasts, fake accents, swimming pools with their legs hanging like fried sausages. Me? I was just there… drinking Fanta with no bubbles.

I said to myself, “I must join this soft life. Even if I die, let me die in style.”

So I called up my friend Shiko, the President of Slay Queens Association.

“Shiko, me I’m tired of poverty. Show me the way.”

She laughed like a hyena and replied, “Babe, say less. Blessers are waiting. Just be hot.”

I borrowed high heels that were taller than my future, a tight dress that needed lotion just to enter, and a wig that had seen more heads than a boda boda helmet. But I was READY. Soft life was calling me like M-Pesa ringtone.

THE ARRIVAL

We entered this flashy apartment in Kileleshwa. The place smelled like old money, cigar smoke, and betrayal. Five blessers were sitting like sugar-coated crocodiles. One had a chain so big, it looked like a bicycle lock. Another was rubbing his belly like he just ate someone's rent.

And then... introductions began. They were choosing girls like avocados at Gikomba.

“Let this one come with me.”

“No, I want that one. The one with the confused eyelashes.”

I was just praying not to get the one with two teeth. But fate, oh fate...

"You," one deep voice said. "You, Candy, come with me."

Shiko pushed me forward. “Go, that’s Big Daddy Mkubwa. He’s very generous.”

Ah! Generous is good, right? I walked like a borrowed goat towards the room. My heart was beating like drums in a Luo funeral.

THE MOMENT OF MADNESS

I opened the bedroom door...

And my eyes almost jumped out.

THERE. ON THE BED.

NAKED.

LEGS CROSSED.

SMILING.

Was my UNCLE.

UNCLE MURIUKI.

From Kangema.

The one who paid my high school fees.

The one who always said, “Respect yourself, Wanjiku.”

Now he was there, in full HD. No socks. No shame. Just flesh.

We locked eyes. I screamed. He screamed. Even the AC made a noise.

“WANJIKU??” he shouted.

“UNCLE??” I shouted.

“WHY ARE YOU HERE??”

“NO, WHY ARE YOU HERE??”

I tried to close the door with my elbow. My wig fell off and hit him in the chest. He screamed again, “Satan! Is this a curse?!”

I turned to run — but my high heel snapped. I flew like a chicken kicked by a donkey. Boom! I hit the flower vase. Glass everywhere. My fake eyelashes stuck to the curtain. I was breathing like I had climbed Mount Kenya.

Shiko came running, “What happened?”

I pointed back at the door, crying, “That’s my UNCLE! My mother’s brother! I saw his... his... ancestral stick!!”

THE ESCAPE

I didn’t even wait. I grabbed my handbag, which was actually a plastic bag from Naivas, and I ran out barefoot. The guard asked, “Madam, where are you going?”

I shouted, “TO THE VILLAGE!! I’M GOING TO BE A FARMER NOW!!”

AFTER THAT DAY...

Uncle Muriuki no longer comes for family gatherings. I no longer say "bless me" in prayer. And any time someone calls me “Candy,” I throw my shoe.

That was the day I learned: not every soft life is for you. Some roads lead to money, others lead to madness, trauma, and a naked uncle.